This might sound really strange, awkward, uncalled for,even insane, but is entirely truth; nothing but the truth.
I am a VICTIM. Indeed, a victim of burning hate, prolonged depression, ridicule, segregation, anxiety disorders, mental and emotional trauma too. I feel like no one understands me and worse yet, that no one ever will.
I am discriminated against on the basis of my religion, gender, psychological and physical strengths and weaknesses. My educational strides, career, goals and choices are a major confluence town for haters too. So-called friends, workmates,school mates and acquaintances through their thoughtless words and actions have engraved so beautifully on me, ghastly marrow-deep emotional scars, the kind that just have not cannot and might never heal.
There are these moments that I am so overwhelmed by the large stack of pain resting on my fragile shoulders. As of habit, I struggle hard to conceal my feelings of worthlessness, put better still, an admixture of inferiority complex and shame. But at other times, I lose everything all – I mean my guts and WITS. Whenever I try to be sociable, smile and mingle, I always get the line – “you’re becoming too social, in short wild.” And on those days I make conscious effort to curtail this easy-going attitude of mine, I am labelled a proud child, lacking humility, an immature sadist.
I dislike living my life as a replica of someone else so I do things I love – makeup, style my hair, do my nails, try to look good and all but here’s the hot part, I am made to feel like a whore; like there is some boy out there who is going to pass me by when it is time for marriage, I am made to see myself as a fool who is tossed about by all she sees and hears, anything that trends. I am confused as I am constantly compared to the extent that I have lost sight of who I really am within and the woman I want to be.
Often I seek to explain the state of things or the reason for either an action or reaction of mine but I am yelled at or struck in the face for being frontal or overly expressive. I am taught that the woman must always be submissive and must never fight against the oppressive clutches of patrilineal society. On a few occasions, I’ve been told, ” if you feel that this house is too restrictive for you, pack up your things and leave to wherever you feel is best for you!”
I swear to the God who made me that I am at such a heart shredding point in my life where I could make attempts on my life. I could just take a last breath and humbly bow out of all these storms, sorrow and regret associated with defining one’s self and growing up.
I wonder if and when I will ever get past this phase. Thus, with the dawn of each new day up until midnight night, my little palms clasped together close to my chest, I pray as each second ticks – FATHER LORD, HELP ME, PLEASE DON’T LET THE LAST LIGHTNING BUG INSIDE ME DIE, GUIDE YOUR LITTLE GIRL CHILD TO ACHIEVE ALL HER DREAMS!